Note: At the end of my self-forgiveness I realized that this is part of the pattern identified in Day 123 The “Back to the Past” Timeframe-Pattern (Part 1): “Fuck this process shit, I want my old life back!” Character.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sluggish and watch aimless shit on YouTube and on TV, where I myself even don’t know what I should watch as nothing turn me on anymore, but do it anyway because it’s much better then moving, facing and applying myself in process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform to the thought and backchat I had telling me to watch TV, take some rest from my everyday process routine and have some fun by watching TV and videos on YouTube I’d like to watch because I can and will resume taking self-responsibility again tomorrow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I had the backchat “I have been doing the same things everyday for some months now. I can take some rest from it. At least one day. One day won’t hurt me and I will continue with my responsibilities and process walking tomorrow again. It’s okay.” accepted it and allowed myself to believe in the bullshit it was chatting about in my mind, instead of having self-directed myself in that moment and realized that prior to that backchat I’ve had thoughts that showed tedious work if I were to do my everyday things again and pictures showing things I did in the past, through which I felt good doing these and I decided to pursue the good feeling my thoughts were offering me and to get away from the bad feeling that I would get if I were again do the same things I do every day for months now; my process walking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still continue being lazy and postponing, sitting on the couch in the most sluggish and lazy position, starring at videos on YouTube I don’t even really want to watch, and thinking about what to do on the Internet because I can’t find anything purposeful to do on it; to continue doing that despite all the backchat and guilt I experience because I am aware that I am deliberately being self-dishonest and justifying and despite all the self-judgement going on in my mind because of my self-awareness that I am deliberately abdicating my authority and directive will power.
And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress the backchat, guilt and self-judgement going on in my mind in a constant continuous loop because of being aware of my deliberateness in my self-dishonesty, and try to make my self-dishonest participation ‘okay’ in my mind, just so I could continue postponing taking and living self-responsibility and facing myself by and through walking my process daily to the utmost potential that I’m able to.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that doing what I ‘like’ and prefer more then walking my process, is in fact no ‘fun’ experience with all the backchat, guilt and self-judgement that I experience continuously, which comes from my self-awareness and understanding that I am deliberately being self-dishonest and despite of that self-awareness continue with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been digging a hole instead of immediately standing up and ending the self-dishonesty participation once I saw and realized what I was doing; but because I judged me and feared to stand up again, I continued with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for finding myself deliberately participating in self-dishonesty and justifying it for an extended period of time, because of the fear that I fucked it ALL up, once again, and had the backchat “I will never get it because once again, I idiot fucked up, in FULL damn awareness and deliberateness of my doing.” and in that accepted the backchat as me and allowed myself to feel discouraged and wanted to give up because I had thoughts telling/showing me that to continue with my process again is to no avail because I have to start ALL over again and won’t ever get it because I still fucked up after all this work of self-forgiveness and writing I did, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that once again this event showed and revealed the existence of existent backdoors within me that were still existent in my mind and of which I made use of, and that I need to delete these backdoors, and that now I got the perfect opportunity for since they have been reveled. So, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that no self-judgement and self-diminishment and self-victimization is necessary, but immediate self-correction to remove the backdoors one by one the moment they get revealed.
Backchat I had:
“Oh no… I fucked up again… I cannot simply stand up and continue with my process as if nothing has happened…”
“Damn it… It’s to no avail… My corrective statement, my self-forgiveness, my writing, my process so far… Nothing changed… I still fucked up at the same damn points… No amount of self-will I so believed and was ‘certain’ that I had achieved prevented this from happening… What should I do.. I am so hopeless…”
“Now that I fucked up and am in that pattern, I might as well stay in it and just continue doing what I started. I mean, I screwed up anyway”
“Oh no… I don’t want to… It’s going to be so hard and difficult… I have do re-walk everything again… I just can’t do that… It’s just too much for me… Let me just continue with what I am doing since I already screwed up”
“I know that I can stop immediately and just continue with my process, but it feels so impossible to do now since I fucked up…”
“Just one more minute and I will stand up and forgive what I did and continue with my process”
“Yeah, I see what I am doing and how to stop it and that I CAN stop it, but I don’t want to now, since I already screwed up let me continue for today and I will do the forgiveness later or tomorrow”
“Man, I enjoy this so much. Let me just continue for today. Yes, I see what I am doing and that it’s self-dishonest but since I already screwed up and continued with it for so long, let’s just continue with it for this entire day and I will face me later with and through self-forgiveness and stop this pattern/character/point”
“I actually want to do this right now, so after I do this I might stop and just stand up and continue with my process walking, but for now, I REALLY want to watch this video right now because I am eagerly interested in it and I think it’s valuable information”
“If you do this it’s going to be fun, do you remember? And since you screwed up already why not just continue a little bit longer with it. I mean it can’t get any worse from here on”
“How am I going to stand up again after I screwed up and continued with it for so long already..?”
“I know it’s not right, but I can’t just stand up. I just can’t.. I fucked up already for so long.. There’s no way I can do that.. I might as well continue a little longer. Maybe it will get easier” (I hope that it will be easier to stand-up and change myself later like I saw me change and stop so easily in my thoughts where I projected the moment of change and standing up into the future and it went so easily and fluently in my thoughts)
Bernard Poolman: “Understand that self change is a decision that must be walked each breath for 7 years to have stability that is trustworthy.”
Bernard Poolman: “In this one walk the change into the physical as the living breathing pattern.”
Bernard Poolman: “The sooner one stick to consistency–the quicker this will be done”
For further assistance and support with how to change yourself and the world for real, visit:
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