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Within this writing today I am starting to walk the point of believing and existing within the self-conviction that my life has to be all fucked up. I am starting with some self-forgiveness and from there within posts to come, go deeper into identifying the specific personality / personalities / characters at play.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I move fairly well in my process and there is not much inner conflict anymore, immediately in that moment of reaching a point of stability, within my mind go into a suspicion and questioning that something is wrong here – because according to me in relation to my belief and conviction there has to be something within my life and process that doesn’t go ‚right‘ and that there must be something in my life or process where I must fuck up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the belief that there has always to be something within my life and process that goes ‚wrong‘ and where I have-to fuck up – because that’s what has been my life up to now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just because my life has been fucked up and there has always been things that go totally wrong and were not ‚nice‘ in it up to now – now believe and think that this is going to be my life and how my life is going to be for the remainder of my existence.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am defining my life and how it is going to be – based on memories as how my life has been in and throughout my entire past, especially accentuating and highlighting the negative / bad moments within my life / past.
And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my life and the how it is going to be or has to be – based on and through memories as how my life has been within my past, and in that for especially accentuating / highlighting the negative / bad moments within my life / past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my life has-to be what it was / has-been within my past / thus far, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding hat if I accept and allow myself to define my life based on and through my past / memories – then I am going to inevitably re-create and in that maintain my past and in that my life in the present moment here is and in the future will-be what it has always been in my past and nothing will change because I am bringing my own past / memories with me.
In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring my own past with me and carry it into my present and future, through holding-onto my past / memories of the past instead of learning to forgive and let-go of my past and who I have been and what I have done and whatever has happened within my past / life up to now, because I see, realize and understand that if I do not learn to forgive and forget / let-go – I am just going to find myself being stuck in my life / process because with holding-onto my past and not accepting and allowing myself to forgive and forget / let-go – I am existing within an internal battle with myself because I am here in this moment trying to change myself while still holding-onto my past / memories which is my old-self that I want to change. But I can not change myself or my life if I am holding-onto my old-self / old-life that I want to change. It is paradox.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand and notice that if I am holding-onto my past / memories and at the same time wanting and trying to change myself and my life – that I am in that existing within two worlds that clash against each other because I am trying to change something that I am not willing or ‚ready‘ to let-go of, which is done through allowing myself to forgive and forget – and in that I will end up unable to change and experience myself as stuck in a way in my life / process.
The same goes for all the beliefs, convictions, ideas , etc. that I have formed through my life / past that I now hold-onto while trying to change. And that I am finding myself unable to change and in a way stuck because I am trying to change that which I am still holding-onto and not willing or ‚ready‘ to let-go / forgive and forget. And how am I supposed to change something which I am holding-onto?
Alright, within the next writing in Day 239 I will continue with walking the self-corrective statements for the self-forgiveness walked in this writing. And will from there on walk further self-forgiveness on the following points that came through in some self-forgiveness statements of today:
„and in that for especially accentuating / highlighting the negative / bad moments within my life / past.“
„learn to forgive and forget / let-go“
„The same goes for all the beliefs, convictions, ideas , etc. that I have formed through my life / past that I now hold-onto while trying to change. And that I am finding myself unable to change and in a way stuck because I am trying to change that which I am still holding-onto and not willing or ‚ready‘ to let-go / forgive and forget. And how am I supposed to change soemthign which I am holding-onto?“
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